The 12 Qualities of Happiness
According to psychologist Dan Baker, being miserable is easy and that being happy is what is hard. The best information I can think to share this week are his 12 Qualities of Happiness from What Happy People Know. Since I posted these on my bathroom mirror, it has helped me do so much better at keeping these top of mind AND avoiding the “lesser life” as he calls it: fear, illness, pessimism, spiritual emptiness, cowardice, self-involvement, a lack of options, a narrow focus, passivity, a poor sense of humor, anxiety, depression, and purposelessness.
I must share two other things first:
1. Our biological fear system is the biggest obstacle to our happiness.
Our brains have not evolved quickly enough from Neanderthal times when fear was an ally for survival. We have been hard wired to focus on FUDs: fears, uncertainties and doubts. Our brain stem (instinctual fear) and amygdala (bad memories) need to be shut down by our neocortex (intellect and spirit). This is very empowering information. It tells us why we experience FUDs (it is innate) and tells us that we CAN rise above these. The exact same is true of money worries. It is human to always want more but it will not make us happier (unless we are living in poverty).
2. Appreciate. (with Gratitude and Wonder)
Baker points out that research has now proven that “it is physiologically impossible to be in a state of appreciation and a state of fear at the same time.” So ask people who are complaining about something: what do you appreciate about your job/partner/parent etc? For fun, he recommends compiling Top 5 lists for things when your mind is feeling flat, ex. top 5 dates you’ve ever had; top 5 vacation spots/songs/movies/meals etc. I’ve been doing this while I walk my dog and have been having a surprising amount of fun. It’s a wonderful way to remove your mind from daily irritations.
The 12 Qualities:
Baker defines happiness as “a catchall term for the condition that comes from several indispensable qualities. It’s a by-product.” After all, as Viktor Frankl explained in Man’s Search for Meaning, “Happiness cannot be pursued. The more we aim at it, the more we miss our aim.” As for the 12 qualities paraphrased by me – as you’d expect – you don’t have to have all of them all the time to feel happy and you don’t need them all in equal amounts, but you do need most of them in abundance for enduring happiness (even though happy people know you can’t be happy all the time!)
- Love: Being loved is second best to loving someone else. Love is the exact opposite of fear – hence the power of appreciation.
- Optimism: even through death, despair and inevitable loss, there is often a legacy of love left behind that is yours forever. Our dreams at night of deceased or long-lost loved ones tell us that too. We learn more profound lessons from our deepest losses so no event can be all bad. “Optimism gives you power over fear of the future and regret for the past.” This empowers us to live life, accept loss and love the moment more. Who wants the alternative?
- Courage: this is a prerequisite for happiness and happy people choose the course of their lives. It means we have to rise above our fears and ask for what we want. It is not easy! Courage is the number one quality of all top sales people.
- A sense of freedom: Unhappy people feel trapped and think you have to be rich to make choices. Most rich people do not feel free either. Courage is required here too.
- Proactivity: happy people do not wait for events or others to make them happy. Action is the cure for fear. It means taking 100% responsibility – something most people are not willing to do.
- Security: meaning you like yourself and feel secure on the inside. Happy people are not slaves to money or status. You’ve heard it before: happiness is an inside job. That’s when the Law of Attraction kicks in.
- Health. It’s not easy to be happy when you’re not feeling healthy. And your mood chemistry is impacted too.
- Spirituality: happy people are more open to exploring these areas and are less afraid of death: “they’re concerned about not living.”
- Altruism: helping others feels good and gets you off dwelling on yourself too much.
- Perspective: in psychologist Martin Seligman’s works Learned Optimism and Authentic Happiness, he found unhappy people typically react in black and white terms to life: it’s always this and never that. Happy people can distinguish and see that one bad day/job/relationship doesn’t mean a bad week, month, or lifetime of them. Life has a big picture.
- Humor: this is a strong coping mechanism that can shift bad times to the intellect and spirit which have the power to heal any suffering.
- Purpose: “happy people know why they’re here on earth.”
15 Powerful Things Happy People Do Differently
What are the differences between happy people and unhappy people? Of course, it should be very obvious: happy people are happy while unhappy people are unhappy, right? Well, that is correct.But, we want to know what happy people do differently, so I have put together a list of things that happy people do differently than unhappy people.
1. Love vs. Fear
Well, I can tell you for sure that those people who are really happy, fear less and love a lot more. They see each moment, each challenge, each person as an opportunity to discover more about themselves and the world around them.
2. Acceptance vs. Resistance
Happy people understand that you can’t really change a situation by resisting it, but you can definitely change it by accepting that it is there and by understanding that there might be a reason for its existence.
When something unpleasant happens to them, they don’t try to fight it (they know that this will make the situation even worse), but they ask themselves questions like: What can I learn from this? How can I make this better? And then they focus on the positive, rather than on the negative. They always seem to see the glass half full, no matter what happens to them.
3. Forgiveness vs. Unforgiveness
Really happy people know that it’s not healthy to hold on to anger. They choose to forgive and forget, understanding that forgiveness is a gift they give to themselves first and foremost.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. ~Buddha
4. Trust vs. Doubt
They trust themselves and they trust the people around them. Whether they are talking to the cleaning lady or the C.E.O. of a billion-dollar company, somehow they always seem make the person they are interacting with feel that there is something unique and special about them. They understand that beliefs are self-fulfilling prophecies.
Because of that, they make sure to treat everyone with love, dignity and respect, and make no distinction between age, sex, social status, color, religion or race. These are the great men that Mark Twain was talking about: “Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”
5. Meaning vs. Ambition
They do the things they do because of the meaning it brings into their lives and because it gives their lives a sense of purpose. They understand that “Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life” as Wayne Dyer says.
And they care more about living a life full of meaning than what, in our modern society we would call, living a successful life. The irony here is that most of the time they get both success and meaning because they choose to focus on doing the things they love the most and they always pursue their heart‘s desires. They are not motivated by money; they want to make a difference in the lives of those around them and in the world.
6. Praising vs. Criticizing
Happy people would probably agree with Carl’s Jung theory on resistance: “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” They don’t criticize the absence of the behavior they want to reinforce, rather, they know by praising the person and the behavior they wish to reinforce (even if it’s not often), they will actually encourage the positive behavior.
When a parent wants to make sure their 7 year old boy will learn to always put the toys back in the box after he’s done playing with them, they make sure not to focus on the many times the child didn’t do it, criticizing him and his behavior, but every time the little boy does put the toys back, the parent praises him and his behavior and that is exactly how they reinforce the positive behavior, and in the end get the wanted results.
7. Challenges vs. Problems
Happy people will see problems as challenges, as opportunities to explore new ways of doing things, expressing their gratitude for them, understanding that underneath them all lay many opportunities that will allow them to expand and to grow.
8. Selflessness vs, Selfishness
They do what they do not for themselves, but for the good of others, making sure that they bring meaning, empowerment and happiness to the lives of many. They look for ways to give and to share the best of themselves with the world and to make other people happy.
Before giving, the mind of the giver is happy; while giving, the mind of the giver is made peaceful; and having given, the mind of the giver is uplifted. ~Buddha
9. Abundance vs. Lack/ Poverty
They have an abundant mindset, living a balanced life, achieving abundance in all areas of life.
10. Dreaming Big vs. Being Realistic
These people don’t really care about being realistic. They love and dare to dream big, they always listen to their heart and intuition and the greatness of their accomplishments scares many of us.
Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men. ~Goethe
11. Kindness vs. Cruelty
They are kind to themselves and others and they understand the power of self-love, self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.
12. Gratitude vs. Ingratitude
No matter where they look, no matter where they are or who they are with, they have the capacity to see beauty where most of us would only see ugliness, opportunities where most of us would only see struggles, abundance where most of us would only see lack and they express their gratitude for all of it.
13. Presence/ Engagement vs. Disengagement
They know how to live in the present moment, appreciating what they have and where they are, while still dreaming big dreams about the future.
When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek yourself in it and mistake it for who you are. ~Eckhart Tolle
14. Positivity vs. Negativity
No matter what happens to them, they always keep a positive perspective on everything and by doing so, they tend irritate a lot of negative and “realistic” people.
15. Taking Responsibility vs. Blaming
They take full ownership over their lives and they rarely use excuses. Happy people understand that the moment you choose to blame some outside force for whatever is happening to you, you are in fact giving all your power away. They choose to keep their power and take responsibility for everything that happens to them.
7 Habits of Happy People
1. Happy people say yes.
Happy people always seem to be doing something new and interesting. They’re visiting the zoo with their friends or taking a quilting class. They’re taking off for a weekend of journaling in the mountains or participating in a city-wide pillow fight. While the rest of the world is reading the recaps in the paper, happy people are seeing the fliers on the cork board at their grocery store and saying, “heck yes I want to go to an independent film festival this weekend!”
The more I say yes, the more opportunities are presented to me.
2. Happy people say thank you.
Some happy people have an actual ritual of saying thank you, a regular gratitude practice that helps them to make note of their blessings. Others are just constantly saying thank you for gifts of any shape or size. They thank God before every meal and send thank you texts after every lunch date.
Gratitude is one of the best ways to spot and become a happy person.
3. Happy people speak well of other people.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that happy people also tend to be nice. Being nice feels better than being nasty, at least in the long-term. Sure, indulging in the occasional gossip fest with a friend is fun for a little while, but the end result is a residue of guilt and resentment. All of the markedly happy people I know are constantly saying nice things about people behind their back. They make you want to meet their friends and have dinner with their family.
I’m attracted to people who speak well of others, because I imagine they’re more likely to speak well of me.
4. Happy people laugh.
Happiness can come in the form of a quiet smile or a peaceful resolve, but it’s bound to bust out into a laugh once in a while. It seems to me that happy people appreciate the lighter side of life. They don’t take themselves or anything else too seriously. They laugh at silly pictures of cats and shallow TV sitcoms. They laugh when they see kids playing and when they realize they’ve had their shirt on backwards all day.
The nice thing about laughter is that it’s contagious.
Letting yourself laugh out loud is the best way to spread some of your happiness around, and I swear it will be bigger and richer by the time it comes back to you.
5. Happy people listen.
My favorite people are good listeners. They don’t rush to offer judgment or help and they might not even tell you that they know exactly how you feel – especially if they don’t. They just listen, openly without assumptions. It’s such a gift that they give to me, but it seems to also contribute to their happiness.
The best thing I can do to enrich my own life and my relationships is listen more.
Taking the time to listen helps us learn. It keeps our minds open to wisdom and new perspectives. When we focus on listening, we take ourselves out of the equation and are less likely to be hurt or offended by what we hear.
6. Happy people believe in… something.
I’ve met happy people from various religions and belief systems. It doesn’t seem to matter exactly what they believe in as much as the fact that they do believe in something or someone bigger than themselves. That might be God, or a Universe, or an invisible link between all of humanity. Maybe having faith in a higher power helps us let go of our illusions of control, or maybe it just makes us feel more connected to our fellow man.
Whatever the reason, embracing a hope in the unknown seems to help people be happier.
My faith in God and belief in a Universe that connects us all gives me peace.
7. Happy people accept imperfection.
The more I thought about the happy people I knew, the more I realized that they weren’t flawless in their day-to-day execution of life. They didn’t all get up early or exercise every day. Some of them were organized and some of them embraced the art of clutter. Some of them dressed beautifully and others had no qualms with going out in public in pajamas.
None of the happy people I know are perfect. They all seem to know that.
Even if they are constantly working on improving something, my happiness mentors acknowledge and accept that perfection is not the goal. They accept their own quirks and the weaknesses of others, which makes it a heck of a lot easier to be vulnerable and authentic when they are around.
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